Perfection.

Perfection (n) : freedom from fault or defect

Lately, the issue of perfection has been popping up quite a bit.  Every day I struggle with thoughts of guilt that arise from a belief that I am not perfect, and this weighs me down. I wonder sometimes if living in a society where the emphasis is on perfection contributes to this struggle. All around me, images of perfect-looking people abound. Businesses are constantly trying to be more efficient. Industry is always trying to produce more, to make the perfect product, and we all swallow those products in our efforts to achieve our own ultimate perfections. And yet, somehow we never reach the pinnacle. Each time we round the next bend in the road, the top of the mountain gets higher. There are many ways of dealing with the guilt I feel over never being perfect. I trade off self-medicating with these strategies, sometimes using one in high doses and sometimes combining them in a coping cocktail. 

a) Ignore it. I tell myself, why think about it? Thinking about it cannot change it. Only doing something to change myself can change the fact that I'm not perfect. I can be more perfect by trying, but only to the extent that i just do it without thinking about it. Don't think about the fact that I don't like not being perfect, just think about the goals, i.e., waking up at 6am every day and jump out of bed without hitting the snooze button. If I did this, I would be more perfect. But if I am not successful, it's ok. Don't think about this missed perfection opportunity. Just do it. Without thinking about it. I feel dizzy.

b) Acknowledge and Try Harder. So what if I'm not perfect? I'm on a journey. At least I'm trying to become perfect, which is more than I can say for that slob over there who doesn't care whether they end up a sad failure and an alcoholic. 'What? No, not you. I'm sure you'll stop being a horrible human being in about a week and a half.' (to myself: yes, you)

c) Accept and Give In. Duh, I'm not perfect. What? Did you not get enough hugs as a kid? Being imperfect is human. Come ooooonnnnn live a little! Don't you dare judge me, you don't know me. I don't judge you. As long as you can keep your mouth shut about how much I suck at this, we can hang out, ok? How dare you try to make me a better person!

So on a day when my mind is clear, something crystalizes: coping methods a, b, and c are completely unhealthy. Coping method a is basically leading nowhere given that I'm not allowed to think or enforce my own goals upon myself. Coping method b makes me a judgemental, hoity-toity b*tch by creating a world in which I constantly use others' downfalls to make myself feel better, and over time I lose many, many friendships. Coping method c breeds a breakdown of relationship with others who might actually have good intentions and see what is good for me in a way that I cannot. These people might actually be wiser than I (gasp!). 

Enter spiritual canonball. The other day, all this surfaced as I was reading a passage of scripture. I was reading the New Testament and came across the words of Jesus, reiterated by Paul the Apostle. Paul is speaking to a bunch of non-Jews in Galatia (the area that is now present-day Turkey), who had become Christian, and were trying to become more Jewish - following Jewish laws and customs and observing Jewish holy days, for example. This was something that many of the early gentile churches in fact struggled with, wondering whether they needed to be Jewish to be Christian. In his letter, he is pleading with these people to let go of their efforts in following the letter of Jewish law, which he equates with slavery. I mean, he was really pleading - begging. 

Finally, after going on an on about how Jesus is about freedom bla bla bla, in a moment that I consider the stunning climax of the letter, he says this: 

"The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love." [italics mine]

The new Christians, in their search for perfection, were about to miss the whole point.  For Paul, the whole arrow of Jewish religion had been pointing towards freeing us from the bonds of rules and regulations to a life of exuberant love and relationship with each other. Jesus' fulfillment of Jewish law also broke the boundaries between people and a God who until this point had only limited contact with humans. This church had been trying to go backwards - they wanted the bonds of rules! They wanted perfection instead of freedom. Imagine a 40-year old man abiding by a curfew set for him while he was still a teenager, or a battered woman following the rules of her abusive husband after he has died - that is the level of absurdity we are talking about. And yet, in my own pursuit of perfection, I often go backwards. Perfection can be a goal, but it's a stupid one. The real goal should be becoming a more loving person. A more compassionate person, a person more invested in the lives of others.

At that moment I realized that being perfect focuses attention on ones self, while loving obliterates the self, over time. It is a chipping away at that wall between my heart and the world. It lets the world's beauty and pain come flooding in, while letting my own life force out into the world. That's why loving is a terror. And yet - those who can do it well are the most accomplished. 

So today, I will turn off the perfection channel. If wandering thoughts focus on being more perfect, I will ask myself - is this my faith expressing itself through love? Has my whole-hearted belief that God has given us true freedom transformed me so much that I am  in fact free to love, without boundaries, as I was created?